2nd Trimester Reflections

second trimester reflections - pursuing pearls blog

T h i n k i n g

  • { Time is Flying } I can’t believe how fast pregnancy is progressing! Only about three months remain – though, I’m sure the days will feel longer as the Big Day approaches.  I am determining to not dwell on our due date or any sort of countdown, knowing that baby will come at just the right time. I keep telling myself, our Dear One will be here for Christmas! What a beautiful time to be making an entrance into this world.

F e e l i n g 

  • { Hungry Again } My interest in food returned, which makes me oh-so-happy! I have not had many particular cravings or aversions, and my appetite feels rather normal at this point…which may in fact be dangerous because the “normal” me can throw back a pint of ice cream…
  • { Tired!! } Naps are my favorite pastime, as sleeping at night has been fairly challenging and unfulfilling the last several weeks. I have learned to use peak times of energy and motivation to the absolutely fullest, and to have guiltless-rest when needed. Listening to my changing body is an ongoing lesson in humility and grace.

C h a n g i n g

  • { Growing Pains } It is surreal that the little person inside of me is already over a foot long and two pounds! I am beginning to feel the aches and pains from the recent acceleration in growth, which makes me all the more thankful to have had my prenatal yoga classes throughout this whole trimester! It has been helping me cope with symptoms, learn useful breathing and relaxation techniques, and meet other lovely expectant mamas! Such a blessing, and I highly recommend it. I supplement yoga with long morning walks (before it is too hot!) and short pregnancy workouts on YouTube, wanting to remain strong every step of this journey.
  • { On the Move } Our little Cannoli is busy each morning and night with lots of wonderful kicks, jumps, spins, twirls, and front handsprings (or so it seems!), as well little thumps that seem to say “I’m still in here!” all throughout the day. I cherish our family time in bed each night, as baby is active as ever, and Stephen reads our favorite stories.

P l a n n i n g

  • { Boy or Girl? } We opted out of learning the baby’s gender, something I wasn’t sure I could do but now am so glad we did! This hasn’t affected our planning, and if anything, has saved me money by not buying an exuberant amount of baby clothing. (; So far, the guesses rolling in consist of dozens for boy, and only one guess for girl. I do enjoy hearing everyone’s predictions!
  • { Nursery } The last few months I have worked on my vision for the nursery, though there is not much to show for it yet. I have a rocking chair that will eventually have cushions and that is almost it! But I’m trying not to stress about it because let’s be honest – how much “stuff” does an infant need anyway? (Not much.) Is little Cannoli really going to care how their room looks? (No.)
  • { Appointments } Just one more 4-week routine visit before we start seeing the midwives every other week. This milestone is making things more real than ever. I have had such a positive experience with the medical staff so far, and leave each appointment feeling more reassured that I am at the right place for us!

P r a y i n g

  • { Smooth Transitions } Right now my prayer is for a smooth transition back to school and wedding season. Our fall is booked with photography and events, with only one free weekend before baby is here. ONE. Honestly, that does intimidate me some. Asking for wisdom to know when I need to rest and for opportunities to do so. Also thanking God for my ever-supportive husband who often meets my needs before I even realize I have them – he is living out fatherhood and husbandhood so wonderfully.

 

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1st Trimester Reflections

first trimester reflections - pursuing pearls blog

T h i n k i n g

  • { Pregnancy After Loss } The first trimester was truly blissful, but not always free of fear. I have been wrestling a lot with pregnancy after loss, and will share more on my experiences as the months go by. God’s presence has been so evident through it all and I am thankful that my struggles can be free of guilt and shame. We are absolutely over the moon in love with this sweet babe who He has entrusted to us!

F e e l i n g 

  • { Nauseous } The best way I can describe it is the feeling many get when stepping off of a twirly carnival ride. Not terrible, but constant dizziness, rumbley belly, and a disinterest in food. Current aversions include marina sauce, salsa, and Old Bay seasoning.
  • { Tired } One of this biggest challenges I faced first trimester was purchasing and moving into our new home. We made our offer on the house within a week or so of finding out we were expecting, just as the fatigue was settling in. The day before we were to move, I hardly had a box packed. I am so thankful for the family and friends who stepped in and made that move possible! My mom and I were the last ones to leave the apartment, after some deep cleaning, and when we arrived at the house everyone else was there: they had dinner waiting for me and had put together my bedroom so I could take a nap while they continued to unpack and install a brand new back splash in the kitchen. We really had the dream team!!

C h a n g i n g

  • { Growing Belly } I have absolutely loved seeing my baby bump grow, though it was mostly just the “baby bloat” the first three months. I’ve definitely noticed my pants getting a little snug, but still get away with non-maternity items – thank goodness for hair ties as pants fasteners!
  • { Growing Baby } There was nothing like seeing that sweet little babe for the first time via ultrasound. And the heartbeat – it made my own skip!!! Baby is now the size of a lime and their tiny fingerprints are beginning to form. So small, but so unique, so loved, so priceless.

P l a n n i n g

  • { Sharing the News } We waited a while share our news, because my siblings were all coming to visit from out of town, and I really wanted to tell them in person. It was so worth it! I made cards for my nieces and nephews with sonogram pictures and the words “Cousin DiCarlo – coming November 2017!” We got videos of their reactions, which was incredibly special.
  • { Gender Reveal? } While there are still several weeks before our anatomy scan, Stephen and I are teetering with the idea of not learning the baby’s gender. The planner side of me is a little nervous about that, but we keep going back to the thought that there are only so many good surprises in life!

P r a y i n g

  • { Fearlessness } After our miscarriage last year, I have found myself fearful of the endless what if’s looming over my head and heart. While the first trimester has come to an end, and we have shared our exciting news, I still find myself fearful as I realize my lack of control over this sweet life within. My first pregnancy was filled with unadulterated joy (despite my lack of control then as well), and I so long to experience that again. I have been asking God to lead me through fearless motherhood as pregnancy is just a small part of an even bigger journey.

 

When Goodbye Comes Too Soon

journey-through-miscarriage

Shocked. Terrified. Overjoyed. These are just a few of the seemingly endless emotions my husband and I experienced when we learned we were expecting. We were having a baby!?(!!!)

A mere five weeks along, we began the planning, the researching, the dreaming, and the pile of expectant parent must-reads that sat a foot high on my nightstand. It was a time of excitement for both the present adventure and the journey that stood before us.

At about ten weeks we went in for my first appointment. Nothing looked particularly wrong with my ultrasound – I was measuring  earlier than we had anticipated (which didn’t seem to cause the midwife too much concern). However, an uneasiness began to move inside of me and right then I knew, inexplicably, something was in fact wrong. The midwife scheduled us for a return visit one week later, aiming to see major signs of growth. But we were left with a cautious hope, returning to our vehicle quietly with tear-filled eyes and fear-filled hearts. In that moment, any fear I had previously experienced in life seemed absolutely minuscule.

There are no words to explain the way I felt the days following that appointment, other than I simply no longer felt pregnant. While the pregnancy symptoms I had been experiencing were relatively mild anyway (outside of weeping over almost any and every thing), it all came to an abrupt halt that seemed flawlessly discernible: My body was preparing me to grieve. Several friends who had experienced periods of denial during pregnancy reassured me that these feelings were normal and no sign to cause concern. But in my heart, I somehow knew their comforting words did not apply to me. That wasn’t going to be our story.

Waiting…

Opening up to only a few dearest of friends, I admitted that I hadn’t any idea of what God was wanting from me in that time. Worry would accomplish nothing of value, I knew this, but if not worry, then what? Pray. But how to pray? What to pray for?  I did not doubt God’s presence or power. I felt both. Yet my desire to do something felt painfully unfulfilled, so I persevered in the few things I could – eating well, staying hydrated, getting attempting lots of rest, and staying connected to Him. We had given the nickname “Blue” a few weeks before – when baby had been only the size of a blueberry – and it just stuck. Stephen and I prayed over our precious little Blue every day that week, even more so than we had before.

God was so gracious with time, as a 7-day stretch that I anticipated would feel like eternity somehow flew swiftly right before my eyes. The day of the follow-up appointment finally arrived and the Lord in His might calmed the sea raging within my heart. But barely an hour before my appointment, I experienced the first physical confirmation my heart had been dreading, but almost expecting. Until that moment I must have been loosely grasping a handful of hope. We entered the appointment already knowing the outcome: we would not meet our precious baby this side of Heaven.

The tech remained silent through the duration of the ultrasound, as did Stephen and I – the silence spoke just what it needed. We took a long weekend to be together, to grieve, to make happy memories.

It has been six months and I feel it ever so deeply.
The emptiness of my arms.
That throbbing void in my heart.
The moments I am overwhelmed by it all – sometimes days at a time.

But amidst the struggles, I’ve experienced something alongside the pain: a peace that transcends understanding.  My prayer is that this broken heart of mine will continue to soften and expand to love more deeply and freely; that when I see others with their sweet Littles, my joy for them is not suppressed, but is greater still because of the journey my own heart has traveled.

We each wear grief so differently. It is journey with no predetermined script or duration. But today if you find yourself with a broken heart from this very broken world, please know that you are never – not even for a moment – alone. I have been utterly amazed by the abundant support we have received; much coming from family and friends who’ve, priorly unbeknownst to me,  walked these very steps. On the one hand, bottling up your aching heart and guarding it out of fear of vulnerability can seem like the safe thing to do. But sharing my heart has been one of the biggest healing components for me these last months, healing I know I could not have achieved had I tried to face this on my own. Hearing how God has brought others through their dark times has filled me with a hope that does not rest solely on a hope for another child, but for a future where He is glorified in all things.